Untold Stories
by KissMeUnderTheStars
Summary: 100 Theme Challenge. All RL/SB.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer;;**  
I am not J.K. Rowling. I am just borrowing her characters to play with and promise to put them back when done.

**Authors Note;;  
**I decided to do the 100 themes challenge and write as many of them around Remus & Sirius as possible because I'm apparently in a RL/SB shipping mood...

**1. Introduction  


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**Remus John Lupin most certainly did not wish to attend Hogwarts even if he was eleven years old and perfectly capable of doing so and well. Unfortunately, he now stood with his trunk at his feet and his parents behind him greeting friends, staring at the scarlet colored Hogwarts Express. He sighed, eyes watching the beast of a train belch smoke as it prepared for the day long journey to Hogwarts. Currently, children of various years were claiming their seats upon the train and waving goodbye to parents and greeting old friends.

"The train will be leaving soon so we better get you trunk on board," Mr. Lupin knelt down to pick up the trunk. He still preferred to do things manually and through effort rather than relying on his wife's magic. Remus smiled as his two parents fussed about the best way to get the trunk on the train. They disappeared with it, leaving him alone to watch people. He didn't see any one he knew but didn't think anything of it. He certainly didn't mind being alone.

Eventually, his parents returned and goodbyes were said. Remus promised to write and be good and to listen to Professor Dumbledore and to keep his secret a secret. His mother wept a little and his father slipped him a galleon and smiled at Remus' broad grin. They hugged again and Remus hurried onto the train, finding the compartment where his trunk sat and went to the window to wave once more to his parents.

The compartment door slid open and a boy walked in, dragging his trunk with one hand. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked. Remus nodded. The boy appeared to be a first year like Remus. He had messy black hair that didn't seem to want to stay flat and a broad grin. He stuck out his hand.

"I'm James Potter," he said. Remus shook his head, smiling somewhat shyly in return.

"I'm Remus Lupin," he replied. James nodded and the two lugged is trunk onto the rack. They were about to sit down when a third boy sauntered into the compartment, already dressed in school robes.

"Mind if I join you two? I don't want to sit with any of these other losers," the boy practically drawled. Remus cocked an eyebrow, glancing at James who simply nodded to the newcomer.

"The name's Sirius Black," the young boy said, almost frowning at his name. Remus had at least heard of the Blacks. A well-to-do pureblood family that always ended up in Slytherin. He wondered if Sirius really ought to sit here with them. He said nothing about it though, helping James and Sirius get the third trunk stowed away before taking his seat by the window. James sat across from him and Black lounged in the seat next to Remus.

"What house do you think you'll get in?" James asked.

"Slytherin probably," Sirius frowned, "Or so my mother wants." He snorted.

"I'm hoping for Gryffindor," James said, grinning, "Just like my dad. What about you Remus?"

Remus shrugged, "I don't know. Ravenclaw or Gryffindor would be good I suppose." James nodded but Sirius looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Gryffindor would be a good house," Sirius commented, "It would certainly piss my parents off." He laughed softly and James smirked. Remus raised an eyebrow again but said nothing. There was something about Sirius that bothered him but the lycan yearned to know more about him. Why did he hate his parents so and why did he seem to hate his name? Was he really so eager to annoy his parents? Did he really not care about what house he was sorted into? Remus looked back out the window, leaning on his hand and frowning at his reflection. At least he seemed to have made two friends, no matter what houses they ended up in. He hoped they all got the same house, especially him and Sirius.


	2. Love

**Disclaimer;;**  
I am not J.K. Rowling. I am just borrowing her characters to play with and promise to put them back when done.

**Warnings;;  
**Boys kissing! oh my! O:

**2. Love  


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**

The air was warm, the sun making it almost too hot to sit outside. Remus was glad for the shade of the tree around the lake. He was currently sitting under one, leaning against the trunk and leafing through his potions book. Fourth year exams were about to come up and Remus wasn't sure how he was going to do on this particular exam. He closed the book, dropping it at his side. He wasn't really taking in anything anyways. His best friend's face kept swimming in his mind's eye. Sirius Black had become a terrible distraction for him lately.

Remus wasn't entirely sure why the boy had caught his fancy, particularly because it was Sirius and because he was a boy. It somewhat bothered Remus, mostly since he had just been on a date with _Maria Garcia_ the previous night and had enjoyed it immensely. Now though, his thoughts were filled with a dark haired teen and exactly what he would enjoy doing to said teen. Remus frowned at himself, picking at a loose thread of his robes. It was rather frustrating, being so utterly confused as to what he really wanted and it was nearly impossible to sort out such things when Sirius was constantly bothering him for help with his homework.

"Hey, Moony."

Remus looked up, shading his eyes with a hand and looked up at the very person he had just been thinking about.

"Hello Padfoot," he replied. Sirius smiled and dropped easily to the ground next to Remus. He shook his hair out of his face, having just started to grow it long to annoy his mother. Remus thought that he had a list in his head of things he would do to bother his family and was slowly working through them. So far he had been sorted into Gryffindor, befriended a half-blood and now was growing out his hair. Sirius had never been so pleased.

"Are you doing okay? You seemed off today," Sirius asked, picking at a blade of grass.

Remus shrugged, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just been thinking about some stuff."

"Care to share?"

"I don't think so," the werewolf shook his head. Sirius said nothing, laying back on the grass and folding his hands behind his head. They said nothing for a long time. Remus continued picking at the loose thread, trying very hard to not glance at Sirius out of the corner of his eye although he had cheated a few times. The pureblood had his eyes closed and was lying in a patch of sunlight, seeming to enjoy the warmth immensely.

"You're terrible at sneaking looks," Sirius said suddenly, not evening opening his eyes. Remus jumped. He had thought the teen had dozed off or was lost in thought, not paying attention.

"Who says I'm sneaking looks?" Remus retorted although he could feel a blush creep across his cheeks. He had thought that he was good at this, much better at hiding his utter infatuation with the Animagi.

"I do because I've been watching you do it for the past two months," Sirius sat up, leaning on his elbow. Strands of hair fell into his eyes and he smirked crookedly at Remus.

"I haven't been looking at you," Remus said, despite knowing that he was quite obviously going to lose this argument.

"Don't lie to me," Sirius growled, moving closer. Remus closed his eyes tight, trying to not give in to impulse and just kiss the other boy.

"I like lying," Remus murmured.

"Open your eyes," Sirius demanded, climbing into Remus' lap and straddling his hips. Remus obeyed and flinched at the surprise closeness of Sirius and his face.

"Stay still," the Animagi breathed, leaning forward slowly. Remus watched, transfixed, as Sirius' head came closer to his, tilting slightly to his left. Remus automatically tilted his head the opposite way and their lips touched briefly. Their eyes closed again as Sirius moved his body closer to Remus, deepening the somewhat hesitant kiss. Remus' mind had gone blank. He couldn't think, he couldn't move. And he didn't want to. Sirius brought a hand to cup Remus' jaw, tilting the boy's head to kiss him a little more fully before he pulled away, still touching Remus.

"You really shouldn't lie to me," he murmured, licking his lips as if savoring the taste of the lycanthrope, "Especially when I've been doing the same thing." Remus raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth but found his lips busy again before he managed to respond. Slowly, their awkwardness at kissing another boy and shyness (at least on Remus' end) about kissing in general began to fade away. It wasn't just lust that began to flood through Remus' veins. It was something much deeper than that. The desire to protect and shield Sirius from anything and everything. The terrible jealousy that began to lurk at the thought of the other boy dating a girl instead of him. The utter joy that Sirius felt the same about him.

As Sirius pulled away from the second kiss, although his face was only a few inches away, Remus realized something that seemed utterly impossible. He had fallen in love with Sirius Black. He glanced down, feeling a blush creep over his face again, unsure about this revelation. Sirius took his hand and Remus looked up to see that cocky arrogant smirk on the pureblood's face. His heart trembled worse than usual and silently Remus whispered to himself that he did indeed love Sirius Black.


	3. Light

**Disclaimer;;**  
I am not J.K. Rowling. I am just borrowing her characters to play with and promise to put them back when done.

**Warnings;;  
**Boys kissing and a bit of language

**3. Light  


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**

"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Remus, happy birthday to you!"

Sirius placed an enormous chocolate cake in front of Remus, grinning at the werewolf happily. The cake was lopsided and one could see where Sirius had run his finger through the icing on the side. Remus smirked, counting the candles quickly. Twenty-three candles.

"And one for good luck," Sirius winked.

"Thanks Padfoot," Remus said.

"Oh, just make a wish!" Lily said, grinning. James had an arm wrapped around her shoulder and pulled her close, smiling also. Lily held their newborn, Harry. He was almost nine months old and one of the quietest children Remus had ever met. He glanced at Sirius who grinned broadly and chose his wish. All twenty-four candles winked out at once, to the amusement of Remus' friends.

"You guys didn't have to do this," Remus said as Sirius began to pick out the still smoking candles. He dropped them in a small pile on the table.

"We wanted to Remus. You do so much for us a birthday party was hardly out of the question," Lily said, sitting down carefully. James took the chair next to her.

"Besides, Sirius begged us for days because he wanted Lily to teach him how to bake a cake," James said, grinning. Sirius scowled, concentrating far more intently than necessary on cutting the cake into decent slices.

"Oh, really now?" Remus said, looking at Sirius.

Lily nodded, "Yup. I think after the second or third cake he finally got the hang of it." Remus laughed and Sirius continued to scowl as he plated the slices of lopsided cake. He handed Remus the largest piece.

"Enjoy," Sirius growled, stabbing the piece of cake with a fork.

"Aw, come on Padfoot. I didn't mean anything by it," James said, stealing a slice of cake.

"Whatever," Sirius muttered although he was starting to grin again as he handed a plate to Lily. The cake was interesting to say the least. It wasn't amazing or perfect but Remus enjoyed the fact that Sirius had taken the time to make it by hand. The Animagi disappeared for a moment before coming back with four goblets and a bottle of wine.

"Are you stealing my good wine again?" Remus peered at the label but Sirius turned it around so that he couldn't read it.

"Why not? It's your birthday after all. A time for celebration and merriment," Sirius said, uncorking the glass bottle and pouring a healthy amount in each of the goblets.

"Happy birthday Remus," Sirius toasted once all of them had a glass. The other two murmured the toast and all took a sip.

"At least you managed to choose my favorite even if it doesn't go with lopsided chocolate cake," Remus said.

"After practically living here for the last month and half I think I would know what kind of wine you enjoy," Sirius replied. Remus made a face but drank his wine anyways. The four of them drank and ate Sirius' lopsided cake, talking and embarrassing each other with stories from school and drunken parties. The latter stories mostly involved James and Sirius. Eventually, Harry began to fuss, sending James and Lily home.

"Thanks for everything Sirius," Remus said, starting to clear off the table. Sirius made some sort of noise, picking up a candle and licking the frosting off of it. He looked up at Remus pulling the candle from his mouth and picking up a second one and starting up all over again. Remus paused, holding a glass of wine. He swallowed and forced himself to turn and take his plate and glass into the kitchen.

His hands gripped he sink as he tried to get the image of Sirius out of his mind. It wasn't working too well. Sirius had been teasing him this way for the last month and a half and Remus hadn't a clue why. Well, perhaps that wasn't correct. The lycanthrope had some idea as to why Sirius was doing it. The Animagi had discovered Remus' secret desire: him. Remus had always been fond of Sirius but the fondness had recently grown into something more. He relied on it a lot to be honest with himself. Mostly when his disease grew too heavy a burden and the idea off death a far more pleasant one.

"Problem?" Sirius' voice called from the small dining room.

Remus cleared his throat before answering, "No, no. Just thinking." He returned to the dining room to find Sirius licking frosting off of his finger. Merlin. Remus leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms on his chest.

"Something wrong?" Sirius smirked, cocking an eyebrow and doing that hair flip thing that made Remus want to jump him.

"Nothing at all," Remus murmured. Sirius grinned but said nothing, proceeding to lick more frosting off of his finger again. Remus couldn't help but recall the times this idiot of a friend had helped him live through one more full moon. Not because he was there, but because Remus was able to focus on the one bright spot in his life. Sirius made dealing with lycanthropy so much easier, even if Remus wasn't able to hold the Animagi or take him to bed.

"Remus."

The werewolf snapped out of his thoughts, trying to fight through the dark depression that threatened to pull him from his birthday bliss. He looked at Sirius and wondered at the confusion in the other's eyes. Sirius was never one to be unsure. He was never the timid, second-thought, questioning one. He always just did or said what was on his mind.

"Yes, Sirius?"

The dark haired man stood up, wiping his previously frosting covered finger on his pants and dropped his gaze to the floor. Remus' eyebrows knit together, confused. Sirius looked up, opened his mouth as if to say something and stopped.

"What's the matter Padfoot?"

"You."

The word was mumbled, ragged and tattered like an old sweater but you didn't want to throw it out because it was comfortable.

"Me?"

Sirius nodded, glancing up. His eyes were partially hidden from his hair that had fallen into his eyes. Remus had always liked his hair long. It made Sirius look so much better than the awful short length his mother had insisted on.

"You, Moony. You are my problem," Sirius said.

"Like I said, you didn't have to throw me a party at all. If it was too much of a problem, you shouldn't have," Remus said, although he was pretty sure that wasn't what Sirius was talking about even if he didn't what he really was trying to say.

"It's not the party Rem," Sirius sighed, coming closer to the werewolf and suddenly taking a hand in his own. Remus could have melted. If he was a sixteen year old girl he supposed he would have. Too bad he was a twenty three year old man whose heart shouldn't be quivering just because his best friend was now holding his hand.

"Please tell me you're not drunk Padfoot," Remus said.

Sirius laughed, although the utterance was quiet and almost devoid of all emotion, "No. I most certainly am not drunk. I…I'm just tired of keeping something from you and really want to tell you Remus even though I'm not sure if you even really think the same thing as I think you do but I just can't keep not saying anything and live here and watch you every day-"

"What are you talking about?" Remus interrupted. The words from Sirius' mouth made no sense, being all rushed and tumbled as they were.

"This," Sirius said, seeming to steel himself. Remus tilted his head, confused but was suddenly pressed against the doorframe as Sirius kissed him. A small moan escaped his lips as Sirius moved more fully against him, still holding one hand and the other braced on the wall for support. The kiss was clumsy, hurried, needy and the best Remus had ever received in his life. Sirius tasted like that silly lopsided chocolate cake and a hint of that red wine he had stolen. Remus gripped Sirius' waist, needing to pull him close as Sirius deepened the kiss. A moan escaped from one of them again, Remus couldn't tell who they were pressed so close to each other.

Remus' eyes fluttered open as Sirius pulled away. Both were breathing a tad heavier than normal, hands still gripping each other. Remus didn't get it. Was Sirius teasing him again? Taking Remus' desire and fucking with it? The lycanthrope tugged away, suddenly wanting to be as far away from Sirius as possible.

"Remus, don't," Sirius murmured, "I didn't…I thought…I…" He faltered, leaning in as if he was going to kiss Remus again but stopped.

"You're such an arse," Remus growled, tugging away again, "You didn't mean to kiss me. You thought it would be funny, didn't you? You thought wrong Sirius." He dropped his head, trying to tug away again but Sirius simply pinned him to the door frame with his body.

"I thought you liked me," Sirius snarled, a bit more harshly than he probably meant to. He pulled back slightly although his grip on Remus' hand never loosened. Remus looked up at the pureblooded face from under his eyelashes.

"I do like you," he whispered, dropping his eyes again, "Far more than I probably should."

"That's what I thought," Sirius said.

"So? So what if I do? What does it matter?"

"It matters to me," Sirius paused again, "Very much."

"Why? So you can tease me about it more? So you can bother me day and night about this?" Remus didn't even bother trying to tug away this time. Sirius wasn't going to let him go at all.

Sirius huffed, apparently frustrated, "No. I want to…I want to be able to hold you. I want to be able to kiss you if I want too. I want to do this." He held up their intertwined hands, making Remus looked at the clasped fingers.

"Why?"

"You're such a bleeding idiot sometimes," Sirius muttered, glancing down before quickly looking back up, "I like you, you idiotic werewolf. Perhaps more than like but I had to know if what I suspected was right."

Remus was shocked. Sirius Black, infamous woman lover, liked _him_? Watch out, the world was going to twist on its head and Muggles would suddenly be able to use magic too!

"You're lying," Remus whispered, although he half hoped that Sirius wasn't at all.

"Would I have fucking kissed you if I was lying?" Sirius growled, although the anger behind the words wasn't actually there, "No. As much of a lover boy as I come off as, I don't just randomly go around kissing people for the hell of it. Especially my best friend."

The werewolf didn't know what to say. What did you say to your best friend after he just confessed that he liked you and perhaps a bit more than that? Especially since you felt the same way?

"Say something, please. Anything."

Remus licked his lips, still able to taste the wine and chocolate cake and Sirius' own mouth, "Thank you."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow, although the movement was partially lost under his tangle of hair, "That's it? No 'take me here and now'? No 'I want to confess my own undying love to you Padfoot'?"

Remus laughed softly, shaking his head, "No. Just thank you. At least I know that birthday wishes can come true."

A smirk broke Sirius' face, "You wasted a wish for me?"

"It wasn't a waste. It was a perfectly good hope and it came true," Remus said, slowly melting back into the love-soaked creature that he tried to not be around Sirius, "Thank you." Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes and as about to say something but Remus kissed him.

"Shut up," he murmured against Sirius' lips, "Just shut up for once Padfoot."

Sirius didn't argue.


	4. Dark

**Disclaimer;;**  
I am not J.K. Rowling. I am just borrowing her characters to play with and promise to put them back when done.

**Warnings;;  
**Angst, cutting, boys kissing and maybe language? I don't remember. And, to those who read BKS. BM., I promise on my own soul that Chapter Sixteen **will** go up this week even though I have no clue what to write and am **very very** stuck. =]

**4. Dark  


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**

Blood seeped from the shallow cuts on his wrist, the wounds stinging. The warm liquid traveled in sick, twisting lines down his arm and stained his Muggle jeans. A small whimper escaped his lips as the blade kissed his skin again. The blood welled in the minute cut but it stung like hell. Never could he go deeper than this; he didn't want the scars, too many already decorating his body from the very disease that drove him to do this. Remus closed his eyes and leaned backwards against the wall, trying to absorb the sensation of pain and lose his thoughts. The somewhat dark corner of his bedroom felt safe although nothing and no one could protect the werewolf from his own mind.

His wrist throbbed but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. The need to let it out in some other way. The desire to see and smell the crimson on his arm. The distraction from his own mental anguish. Remus blamed the werewolf, the werewolf encouraged it. He looked down at his arm, the appendage just seen in the soft glow of his bedside lamp. He cringed at the bloody mess. Shifting, he raised his wrist and slowly licked his wounds. The metallic taste and scent engulfed his senses, causing his eyes to roll up in his head and make him moan in pleasure. Remus jerked his arm away, disgusted. He leaned over his arm on an impulse, fingers grasping the blade once again. Like a demon possessed, he cut again, gritting his teeth as he let it sink deeper and cut farther than ever before. The pain made him moan in ecstasy and cry out in anguish.

"Oh, God."

It was an understatement, the lycanthrope's eyes wide at the surging crimson tide that welled down his arm. It wouldn't be enough to kill him, not even through eventual blood loss. Perhaps the amount of blood staining his skin just seemed like a hell of a lot to him. Perhaps he hadn't really cut himself that badly and was just exaggerating. Remus wasn't sure but it hurt like hell and he was secretly pleased with that.

Revolted, Remus threw the blade away, listening to it skitter and stumble across the wooden floor. He huddled over his arm, pressing the wounds to his shirt. The pain intensified slightly and began to weep softly. Soon, the soft cries turned to heaving sobs, making his chest hurt almost as badly as his mutilated arm.

He wished he could stop.

He wished he could keep going.

He wished he knew why it felt so…delicious.

"Hey, Remus? I was thinking-"

The door opened and Sirius walked into the room.

"Remus," he breathed, moving around the bed and coming to his knees in front of the lycanthrope.

"Go away, Padfoot," Remus growled, angry at the man's sudden appearance. His voice was thick from crying and he snuffled, trying to stop sobbing. His arm still ached and his chest was still tight from the sobs that were trying to escape.

"No," Sirius said, moving forward on his knees.

"Go away," Remus growled again although the anger had seeped from his voice and he didn't sound nearly as threatening this time. Sirius said nothing but didn't move, waiting for Remus to calm down. The sobs slowly began to die away and Remus wiped his face with his good hand before looking at the other. On one hand, he wasn't surprised that Sirius had found him. The pureblood always did. On the other, he was surprised that his lover of seven years hadn't left him alone for good.

"Rem?" Sirius' voice beckoned to him like a mother to a child. Sirius shifted, moving to sit cross legged and leaned on one hand, fingers cupping his jaw perfectly. Remus pressed tighter backwards into the corner, resisting the urge to crawl into Sirius' lap and seek out the comfort that was blatantly being offered to him. He couldn't, didn't want Sirius to fix him again. Remus just couldn't bring himself to let that happen. He suspected that as he fell apart and Sirius fixed him, Sirius was secretly falling apart just like him. He stared at Sirius' face, his heart aching to just give in and go to the other man.

"I'm so sorry, Padfoot," he eventually whispered, his voice cracking slightly even at the soft volume, "So sorry." Remus dropped his head to his knees, breathing in the salty scent of his tears and the metallic scent of his blood. He listened to the soft shuffling of someone moving across a wood floor and felt the strong, warm arms of Sirius pulling him close. The sobs started again, this time not from pain but from regret and personal hate. He hated feeling like he made Sirius love him. He hated cutting himself. He hated that he hated so much.

The werewolf felt a hand stroking his hair, "It's okay. It's okay." The soft murmur was repeated again and again, comforting Remus far more than he thought it should. What would be okay? They would be okay? He would be okay? The cutting would be okay? He could barely think through his sobs, despite the lack of violence they held in them. Sirius shifted him and Remus found himself curled up in the man's lap, being rocked back and forth slowly, the soft murmur still going and his own sobs beginning to slow. His arm still hurt, reminding him suddenly of the bites he had received from Fenrir. Pain had become his drug.

Unable to resist giving in any longer, Remus shifted his own self, tucking his face into the crook of Sirius' neck. The warm skin felt brilliant on his face, like a ray of sunshine after a gloomy storm. He focused on the scent of the man that held him, trying to block out the still delicious taint of blood that lingered in his nostrils.

"I can't do this anymore," Remus whispered suddenly.

"I know," Sirius said, wrapping an arm around Remus' waist, the other around his legs. They didn't move, save for their slow breathing, for some time. This was it was like to be put back together, piece by piece, again and again. Merlin, he just couldn't handle this anymore. He was too shattered, too broken up to be put back together again. The pieces were beginning to break too small and Remus wasn't sure if even Sirius could scoop him back up again.

He pulled away for a moment, saying nothing. He looked down, staring at both his arm and Sirius' chest at the same time. "I'm sorry," he touched Sirius' shirt, "I bled on your shirt." A small smile broke across Sirius' face and he leaned forward to kiss Remus lightly on the lips.

"Let's get you fixed up," he murmured. He helped Remus stand, the werewolf unsure of himself again. He wanted to curl back up in the corner, retreat to the dark and hide this secret. His gaze fell to his arm. The cuts were awful looking, the skin around them both inflamed and stained from blood. He would have to wear long sleeves for quite a while after this. Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus' waist and led him to the bathroom. It was in this moment that Remus was glad Sirius had insisted on a house with a master bathroom attached to the master bedroom.

Remus perched on the edge of the tub, blinking at the glare of the light bulbs once Sirius had gone and flipped the switch. For all their magical background, this was the most Muggle house any one of their Wizarding friends lived in. This thought made Remus smile for a moment. He looked up at Sirius who was digging through the medicine cabinet for Merlin knows what. Sirius dropped the items from his hands onto the floor next to them, sitting down on the tub with Remus.

"Give me your arm," he said, twisting behind him at the same time to find a washcloth. Remus had pressed his arm against his shirt again and the fabric was clinging to the drying blood. He gritted his teeth as Sirius helped him peel it away. The cuts looked worse than before, smeared and aggravated. The largest wound still leaked a little bit of blood.

"Ouch," Sirius muttered, although more to himself than to Remus, "Here, this'll be a little bit cold but it'll help slow or stop the bleeding there." He ran the cold water in the tub, soaking the cloth and wiping Remus' arm carefully. Eventually, Sirius was satisfied with his cleaning job and began to gently dry Remus' skin before carefully placing wrapping his arm in cotton gauze before binding everything with medical tape.

"I'm sorry," Remus said for the millionth time.

"You're the one who insists on doing this the Muggle way," Sirius chuckled softly.

Remus allowed a small smile to creep onto his face, "No, no. That's not what I meant."

Sirius paused in wrapping Remus' arm up, "I know." The words were soft and quiet but they made Remus' heart tremble anyways. They sat in silence; Remus watching Sirius' deft hands line up the tape perfectly.

"There," he finally said, carefully snipping the tape and tucking it so that the edge wouldn't fray.

"Thanks," Remus mumbled. Sirius tousled his hair and began to shove things randomly into the medicine cabinet again. The glass door shut with a click and he looked at Remus, an eyebrow raised.

"Now, as I was thinking earlier, I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight," he said, "Go to your favorite little café, have some red wine and a steak, maybe dancing afterwards? I don't know if you still want to go though…" He trailed off, dark eyes slipping from Remus' face to the white tiled floor. Remus stood, wanting to cry again. How could someone so wonderful and caring stay with him, the horrid, broken and torn up werewolf?

"We don't have to go if you don't want to," Sirius grasped Remus' wrists, careful to not grip the bandaged one too tightly.

"It's not that," Remus said, attempting to stifle the sudden surge of lust that rose in his veins. Cutting always made him lusty but Sirius' sudden touch and show of love made Remus want to jump the man.

"Then what is-?"

Lips cut off Sirius' question, lust overtaking Remus' senses. He didn't know why the blade biting his skin did this to him. He didn't know why Sirius loved him. He didn't know anything other than the hot warm feeling of Sirius' tongue stroking his. He didn't know anything other than hot callused hands running under his shirt, up his back, around his waist and up his chest. Remus moaned, eyes fluttering shut as he practically raped Sirius' mouth, pushing the pureblood backwards against the wall.

"Rem," Sirius panted, pulling away, twisting his head to the side, "I hate that." Remus frowned for a moment. His arm throbbed worse than ever, causing him to screw up his eyes in pain. Sirius stroked the side of the werewolf's face gently.

"Sorry," they both murmured at the same time.

"Sirius, I," his voice faltered, falling like a stone and he dropped his head. There was no way to explain the utter confusion, the pain, the lust, the want for an end, the desire to continue, the constant hunger for love and the constant revolting ache of what he was. He looked up, eyes searching Sirius' face for something, anything. Remus didn't know what.

The Animagi embraced him, gently, lovingly, attempting to send as much comfort and love to the werewolf as possible. He wanted to pull Remus from the dark, wanted to show him that life was beautiful here in the light despite his lover's utter disgust with being a werewolf. Remus knew this; he knew it very well. He breathed in the scent of Sirius around him, felt slow, gentle lips on his neck, trying to comfort him.

"I'm here, Remus, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Remus shuddered, the truth of the words slipping through his mind, heart and soul.

"I know."

Perhaps one day he would let Sirius show him the way from the darkness that consumed him. One day, Remus thought, Sirius' light would be enough for him. For now, he would cling to that and try to fumble his way out of the darkness.


	5. Seeking Solace

**Disclaimer;;**  
I am not J.K. Rowling. I am just borrowing her characters to play with and promise to put them back when done.

**Warnings;;  
**Cursing, drinking and a bit of ooc-ness

**5. Seeking Solace  


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The scent of brandy tainted the air, thick and cloying. Bottles littered the floor of the flat, clinking together slowly as sock covered feet shuffled through them. Pillows sagged against the coffee table, staring mournfully at the couch some distance away. The once neat and square blanket now draped from the back of the couch, trailing against the floor like a pool of tepid water. Agony and melancholy was writ through every face of the London flat, anger having sunk and twisted into depression, disbelief and grief.

The man sunk onto his couch, ignoring the sloshing protest of the brandy bottle as it slipped from its container and stained his hand and shirt. He sat, rigid and hard despite the grip the brandy and previous fire whiskey had upon mind, body, and soul. Stubble coated his jaw, his shaggy hair knotted and twisted, falling over his face carelessly. Grief and drunkenness clouded his eyes as the man sunk lower onto the couch, the brandy spilling further upon his clothing as he lay down. He sighed, the breath twisting into a soft snarl as he rolled onto his side, cradling the alcohol within his arms.

A sharp rap startled his senses, making him jerk from the doze he had sunk into. The man moaned, shifting and ignoring the disturbance. Another rap on the door made him grumble and climb to his feet. The brandy bottle had long ago slipped from his fingers to the floor, empty and joining the multitude of other glass bottles on the floor. A third rap made the man call out a 'fuck you, bastard', his voice hoarse and raspy, grating on his ears as if he had shoved a knife into them.

"What the…the bloody hell do y-you want…want?"

His speech was slurred, stumbling past chapped, brandy stained lips to greet a disgustedly sober Animagi as he opened the door. Black's storm grey eyes seemed to cut through him and Lupin couldn't bear having them on him anymore. He left the door open and returned to the couch, tugging a corner of the blanket so that it draped over him instead. He frowned in the darkness, lips twisting into a frown as he listened to his lover close the flat door and make his way in.

"Remus."

He could sense Sirius hovering over him; smell his shampoo, the bacon and eggs the man had consumed for breakfast. Lust suddenly stirred in his loins but he rolled over, asking and allowing the brandy to devour his thoughts. Hands drifted over his blanket clad shoulder and the couch sank beneath him as Sirius sat down. The blanket slipped away from bloodshot eyes and he stared at the cushions of the couch before allowing himself to be cradled like a doll. He stared at Sirius' face, just now noticing the man's red rimmed eyes; his own stubble lined jaw and tangled hair. Grief seemed to take each person in a very different way.

They shifted and moved, seeking comfort, solace, in each other's warmth, scent, breath. Remus found himself sometime later, dozing, head curled on Sirius' chest, listening to the other's heartbeat. A leg was thrown over his hip and arms curled around his shoulders. He wished he had another bottle of brandy. The comforting, delicious fog was beginning to wear off of him. He didn't know what to do. Remus hadn't a clue as to how to deal with the open wound in his heart.

How does one deal with the loss of loved ones? Of life? Of friends? How can you deal with a wound cut with a silver knife, tainted with salt and poison? How do you deal with a wound meant to burn for all eternity?

Is it even possible?

He whispered something, voice as hoarse and ragged as ever, causing his lover to shift under him. Remus blinked, realizing the other had managed to fall asleep in the grief stricken flat, despite the taint of brandy and fire whiskey in the air. The brown haired man sighed, staring at the exposed brick wall, dark eyes seeing everything and nothing. He wondered if this was supposed to be his comfort: a lover of ten plus years and a bottle of brandy. What a fucking unfair trade. Grief for…for this? He clenched his eyes shut, long fingers clutching at Sirius' shirt, the material bunching easily within his grip. A whimper slipped from his throat, animal and feral, as the tears came for the first time in two days.

Merlin, save us all.


End file.
